In this interview, I sat down with my mom, Diane. We talked about my brother, Sam, his story, and what her healing journey has looked like so far. You can read more about Sam’s story on our About page.
Tell me in your own words a little bit about Sam and his story.
Diane: Growing up, Sam was a fun, laid back, and happy kid. However, when his teenage years rolled around, things began to change for the worse. Sam started to struggle with his mental health, and exhibited signs of ADD (link) and depression (link).
We began taking him to therapy, but things just snowballed from there. His depression became worse. He started to have mood swings. Some therapists said he was bi-polar (link), some said he wasn’t. Sam began to have anxiety (link), which turned into intense panic attacks (link).
At first, Sam would say that he felt sad, which turned into, “I’m not that fond of living”, which morphed into, “It’s not that I want to die, living is just so painful”, which ended in “I want to die.” He was in constant pain; nothing made him happy. Sam felt like his mind was too far gone to ever come back. Later, he said he didn’t even remember a time when he was ever happy.
Years of therapy made no difference. He tried many different kinds of medication. Some would help, some wouldn’t. Sometimes the medication would help, but then he would feel like he didn’t need it anymore and stop taking it. Anytime that he did start to feel a little bit better, it scared him because it wasn’t his “normal”. Due to his state of mind, it was difficult for him to consistently take his medication. On top of that, the doctors were constantly trying to adjust and switch his medication which led to side effects without improvement of his mental condition.
Aside from medicine and therapy, he tried nine rounds of ECT treatment (link) without improvement. He tried day programs with group therapy sessions, but they did very little to improve his condition. Sam was in and out of the hospital a multitude of times over the years. He was constantly depressed, angry, frustrated, and anxious. At times, Sam would check himself into the hospital when he didn’t trust himself not to do something harmful. In his mind, going to the hospital was a place where he could be safe from his own intrusive thoughts. He overdosed several times in an attempt to numb the pain and feel nothing. He looked up different ways to die. He tried to hang himself with a belt.
Throughout it all, Sam tried to find something to hold onto that would give him a reason to keep going. That reason was me. He didn’t want his family to have to get that dreaded call one day that something had happened to him. Eventually, he got involved with a bad influence who introduced him to drugs. Once he got involved with drugs, he felt no pain. He had a love / hate relationship with it. He knew that the drugs were destroying his health, his relationships, and his ability to hold down a job. On the other hand, he loved not feeling the constant pain anymore. All of his other circumstances contributed to his eventual fatal overdose: no money, no license, and no job. Sam felt like he lost everything and that he was a failure and a disappointment to his family.
At the end of the day, Sam was a good person. He had such a big heart. He loved his family so much. He always put everyone else first. He would help other people with their problems, but he couldn’t solve his own.
How did his mental health struggles affect his ability to move through the world?
Diane: Mental pain can be just as bad or even worse than physical pain. Just because you don’t see it with your eyes, doesn’t mean that someone is not suffering or in severe pain. Sam always wanted to be happy and live a normal life just like everyone else. His mental health struggles impacted every aspect of his life. It didn’t allow him to live a full life. It impacted his ability to maintain friendships, relationships, and jobs. His mood swings played a big part in his inability to maintain relationships. As much as his friends tried to be there for him, many people did not understand what he was going through or didn’t have the capacity to be there for him on a regular basis. Sam didn’t see a future for himself. He always felt like everything was harder for him.
How did you educate yourself about what he was going through and how did you find ways to support him?
Diane: Prior to Sam’s diagnosis, I didn’t know much about anxiety, depression, or bi-polar disorder. I had to do a lot of research in order to educate myself. I looked things up online, read books, and talked to his different therapists to ask them questions. I was always the one person he could count on. I made sure that he knew that he could always call me, text me, or come over any time of day. I was always that rock for him, the one person he could go to no matter what. There were a lot of things that he was never comfortable opening up to his friends about so I became his sounding board.
What advice would you share with other parents who may be trying to support a child going through similar struggles?
Diane: Research things and educate yourself so that you can try to understand what your child is going through. Try different therapists until you find one that your child connects with. You might have to go through several different ones until you find the right one. Let your child know that they can come to you for anything. Let them talk and just listen. Let them know that they have a safe place, a safe person. Give them hugs. Tell them you love them. Continue to have faith and pray for guidance.
Some parents may struggle with guilt or the feeling that they aren’t doing enough to support their children in these situations. What would you say to these parents?
Diane: It’s a completely normal feeling. You’ll always feel like whatever you did wasn’t enough, especially if things didn’t turn out how you wanted them to. The feeling is intensified as a parent because you feel like it’s your responsibility to protect your children and make them feel better. You feel like you failed them. Seek connection with others who have had similar experiences and remember that God is ultimately in control.
How can friends or family members learn to recognize the signs for help?
Diane: I think it really just depends on the person and the relationship you have with them. For someone you’re close to, look for changes in their behavior. Sometimes even just their facial expressions can give away that they’re not doing well. I know it can be different for different people. Some people hide it well and you can’t tell. Take the initiative to check on people to see how they’re doing, especially if you notice something is off or they seem like they’re struggling.
What can we be doing better as a society to recognize and support those with mental health issues?
Diane: I think reducing the stigma of mental health struggles is critical. There are many people who may be experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, but they are afraid to seek help. As a society we need to recognize that these conditions exist and many times these conditions manifest outside of our own control. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you need help and seeking out the appropriate resources.
Additionally, we need to create better resources and increase the availability of resources to those in need. Education is a critical aspect as well. Many people in society, especially teachers, are not fully educated in what mental health issues look like and how they can be best supported. I think allowing for increased education, especially within the school systems could go a long way.
Lastly, I think we can just create more connections with one another. We are not going through life alone and many people think that they are the only ones going through these struggles. It can be truly comforting to find connection with others who are experiencing the same thing as you. We need to check in on each other more, extend grace, and show others more compassion.
What are some ways you have found healing and comfort in your own grief journey?
Diane: I have found a lot of comfort in reading accounts of other parents who have lost a child. It’s important to seek connection from those who have been through something similar. I can relate to and learn from other parents’ experiences.
Sam used to always tell me, “If anything ever happens to me, just know that I’m at peace.” Whenever things get hard, I remind myself of this and imagine him telling me this and I just know that he’s at peace. I also continue to look for signs that he’s with me and close to me everyday.
It’s also important to find something that fulfills you. A healthy outlet for your energy, whether that be journaling, working out, or spending time with loved ones. Sam always loved dogs and so I volunteer at a local dog shelter as a way to feel closer to him and to also keep his memory alive.
Honor how you feel. There will be times when you feel like you have to keep busy, but there are also times when you feel like doing nothing. It’s important to sleep, get quality rest, and take care of yourself the best you can. Somehow, I feel as though Sam’s presence is still with me and sharing his story is a way for him to continue helping others.
What are some of the things that you continue to do to honor Sam’s memory?
Diane: I talk to Sam every day. I look at pictures and watch home videos of happy memories. It makes me feel connected to him and also like I’m back experiencing these happy memories together. It allows me to imagine that this is how he is now – happy and carefree. I remember him on his birthday every year by making his favorite cake. I go to church and have a mass dedicated to him in his honor. I take care of the dogs he left behind. I got a tattoo in his honor, to remind me of him and the mark he’s left on my heart. I put out wreaths at the cemetery for the holidays.
What advice do you have for parents who have also lost a child to suicide or addiction?
Diane: As hard as it is, try to live your life and be happy until you one day see them again. Your child would want you to keep going, to find peace, and to live the best life you can. If the roles were reversed, you would want your child to live their best life. Know that your child doesn’t want you to put your life on hold.
The love we share with others never dies. What has your grief journey taught you about the power of connection and love?
Diane: The close bond you have with your loved ones cannot be broken. That love is still there. It just exists in a different form. No matter how much time goes by, you will never stop loving or thinking of them. Our connections to those we love are the most powerful thing to exist.